To continue the series of interesting IM conversations I have had lately. This one was with a good friend, who thinks he is helping with my moodiness:
[23:16] me: so i can only make stupid comments
[23:16] goodfriend: you do make stupid comments, this is true
[23:16] goodfriend: quite often, actually
[23:16] goodfriend: regularly, actually
[23:17] goodfriend: surely more than that, if I were a regular observer
Whew, what a day! It’s only Wednesday night, but I feel accomplished for this week. Well, after I missed one of my two classes this morning because I did not feel like going. I am mentally done with classes, I have been for a while. Although I am enjoying my political economy class tremendously, the same cannot me said for my advanced stats class. I know, how ironic, given the name of this blog. I love math and stats, I am just having a lot of methods-related anxiety because of my comprehensive exams in May, so adding a class on top is just not helpful. But anyway, in a few months I will be done with classes after 19 (yes, nineteen) years in school, and it will feel so great. It’s bad now, but in the summer I can just chill with a glass of cold mojito at the beach. Dream on.
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“Once you get to the desert, there’s no going back. And when you can’t go back, you have to worry about going forward.”
- Paolo Coelho, The Alchemist
Just as I was feeling like the loneliest, most unloved, completely forgotten person on the face of the planet, he called. Surprise! Josh! I was so happy to talk to him, it’s amazing how little things like this can make such a huge difference.
I can’t fall asleep. Tossed and turned. Got up. Listened to one song. Made myself warm milk. Then tea. Really wanted to smoke, but did not. Read a bit. Went back to bed. Had to get up because of the warm milk and tea. Now I am wide awake + in one of my great pessimistic moods. I have no objective reason to feel lonely or unhappy, really, because nothing is tragically wrong. I should think about all the good things and adventures that life has in store for me. Yet, somehow, I manage to always channel the most negative thoughts of self-pity to the forefront of my mind.
I have been thinking about risk a lot lately. And it’s funny how serendipity works its way into my daily routines to remind me of this. During a talk today, risk aversion came up. In the office, Steve lectured me on cost-benefit analysis. Later, I was half-listening to this TV show and they were talking about the risks involved in pursuing personal happiness. I don’t think I have ever really taken serious risks in my life, mostly because I never had to. But maybe I should. When I wake up. If I fall asleep at all.
My fortune cookie at lunch said “You are one of those people who ‘go places in life’”. Am I? ‘Cause I feel stuck. I need to clear my head. I need something new, something to make me breathe in every last molecule of oxygen.
Yeah, and I can kill right now for my Elvis CD. I lost it, and I have been wanting to listen to one song on it for over a week. Until this desire passes, I console myself with Linger. And memories from a summer here (Thanks, petya, for reminding me).
What can a girl do to avoid HLM homework? Think about perfumes. I adore perfumes, I could spend all my income on perfumes, but I somehow manage to restrain myself. So, I decided to share my top 5 of perfumes, just because it will prolong the misery of multi-level modeling stats HW well into the night. Starting from the bottom:
#5: Nivea
Technically, this is not even a perfume. But I love the scent of Nivea products, especially their body lotions. And I always stock up on Nivea body sprays and deodorant sticks when I go home - that’s the only thing I use on a daily basis.
#4: Bazar Pour Femme by Christian Lacroix
This is an older scent, but I have been attached to it. It’s very earthy and somewhat strong, so its reserved mostly for evening use. For some reason, my mom always notices when I wear it. I associate its scent strongly with a spring break in NYC about 4 years ago, which is bizzare, because nothing too memorable happened on that trip.
#3: Coco Mademoiselle by Chanel
By far, my most favorite Chanel creation. It’s sweet, but also fresh, and just absolutely decadent. Very, very sensual. This is the perfume version of dark chocolate mousse with cherries. A very classy choice.
#2: J’adore by Christian Dior
Pure bliss. Nothing can put me in a better romantic mood. Apparently, “it exudes top notes of tangy mandarin and ivy leaves, softened by the champaca flower, the heart of rare orchids, roses, and violets, with a base of damascus plum, amaranth wood, and blackberry musk.” If you ask me, it smells like vanilla, but with some fresh undertones.
#1 (really!): Dalimix by Salvador Dali
Every time I smell this perfume, it reminds me of myself 
It’s truly been a signature scent for me for years. It’s totally unisex, really not a very feminine choice. It’s funny how the perfume folks at Perfume bay describe it: “Dalimix is a modern and trendy unisex fragrance targeted to the internet surfer generation.” It is still a bit more on the girlie side, so I would be surprised if guys really use this perfume. Especially given the shape of the bottle! It has a citrus and orange blossom notes, as well as freesia, sandalwood and amber. I can never get tired of it.
Okay, HLM is calling my name. I should quit this blog. And smoking.
I laugh so hard every time I think of this. If you have ever contemplated online dating, think about Fish first For now, I will pass.
What the hell is this? I was looking to buy a Colgate t-shirt online and found a whole lot of absurd clothing that features all things Bulgarian. Let’s see: 1) a Bulgarian pride classic thong, 2) Bulgaria is not a coalition shirts, 3) a Ride a Bulgarian t-shirt, 4) a Bulgaria Rocks! infant creeper.
This is crazy! Why would anyone ever wear Bulgarian pride thongs? Please, please explain. I can begin to understand fascination with French girls. I can understand love for southern boys even better. But a classic Bulgarian pride thong??? Beats me.
Today is my cousin’s sixth birthday. To me, this day has a special meaning just because it always reminds me that she was conceived around the time of my final decision to come to college in America. So, it’s been more than six years of questioning this decision, not on a daily basis, but quite constant nonetheless. I don’t regret what I have gained - amazing friends, a lot of knowledge, non-material enrichment on many levels. I do regret what I have lost - life moments from what used to be all my world. But it’s all good, I think it was the right decision.
Tom Cruice is on Bravo now, making absolutely no sense. He tries to be all philosophical about his art and he uses empty words with no meaning behind them. “I don’t invalidate the feelings of me being tired.” Neither do I. Therefore, I am going to make myself a coffee, put my feet up, and finish The Da Vinci Code.
I have almost no memories from last night. I do remember the shitty day, though. If you are reading this, let me know if I need to apologize.
I am suffering from this stupid migraine again. The past two days have been hell. I had my first official hallucination - I turned on the faucet to brush my teeth this morning and I thought the water was making a funky spiral movement. I am not really in pain because I took my wonder pill, but it has weird side effects. My mouth is dry, I can’t sleep, I am nauseous. But there was something catarthic about not being able to sleep all night. And I got a lot of work done hoping that it would put me to sleep. After this long night full of exams and men’s luge qualifications, Heather’s wonderful gift for me made me feel so special. It’s been confirmed there’s no pain in my world, which cannot be healed by intensely bitter dark chocolate . I don’t really like milk chocolate, but I love dark chocolate; the darker, the better.
I know who can cure my head completely - Dr. House. He is almost the age of my father, but who cares. He is British (You know I have a thing for accents). Notice how his eyes turn from blue to green. Dr. Chase could also probably do the job. He is much younger. Australian. I am sure this patient is in a lot of pain, but boy, did he get lucky - Drs. House and Chase together by his bed!
This is ridiculous, I need to get a life. Or at least get laid. Ooops, this is against my “no-sex-talk” blog policy, so let’s pretend that I did not say it.
This is my belated post. I wrote it and then the server went down, so here you go:
I am a sucker for Valentine’s Day. Yes, it is commercial, artificial, sickeningly pink and chocolaty. It is generic, forced, exclusively couple-oriented. But the big romantic inside me cannot help to think how great it is that at least for a day, all is love. So much love. Even if you are date-less, chocolate-less, rose-less, wine-less - feel loved!
Life is too short for you to live it any other way.
Sunday morning here, Sunday night there. An ICQ message session. In translation, but otherwise fully authentic:
…………………………………………………………………..
16-year-old-hormonal-cousin (16YOHC): So, there is this girl in my school that I really like.
Almost-26-year-old-hormonal-me(A26YOHM): Oh, yeah?
16YOHC: Yeah, but she does not know it. It sucks.
A26YOHM: Well, you can do something to let her know. Do you two talk often?
16YOHC: Yeah, we text message.
A26YOHM: I mean, in person.
16YOHC: No.
A26YOHM: So, you text message, but you don’t talk in person.
16YOHC: Yes.
A26YOHM: What do you text message about?
16YOHC: Stuff.
A26YOHM: … Ok. Do you see each other?
16YOHC: Like, date?
A26YOHM: No, in school.
16YOHC: Oh yeah, I see her in the hallway. And sometimes she hangs out with my friends.
A26YOHM: Maybe you can ask her out on a date, so you can get to know her better?
16YOHC: You mean to the movies?
A26YOHM: Yes, just ask her if she would like to do something. Sofia is a big city. Lots of things to do.
16YOHC: Like what?
A26YOHM: Well, I don’t know what’s cool now, but we used to go to these nice cafes for cappucino after school, or movie festivals, concerts, the theater, art exhibitions, sports events, skiing/skating/biking outside the city on the weekend. Lots of things. You school is right in the middle of the city, there is so much going on around it.
16YOHC: Oh, yeah, I see. I will do that.
A26YOHM: Yes. I think you should. And then you will get a chance to talk outside of school and maybe then you will decide that you want to spend more time together and one thing will lead to another.
16YOHC: So should I text message her now and ask her?
A26YOHM: Why do you like text messages so much?
16YOHC: Why not? It’s cheap.
A26YOHM: Talking in person is free.
16YOHC: LOL
A26YOHM: ?
16YOHC: You are probably not the best person to ask about love stuff. I will ask your brother. He is cool and has a girlfriend. And he understands me.
A26YOHM: Yeah, I am sorry. I am not very up-to-date with the teenage dating scene in Sofia. My brother has a girlfriend? I did not know that.
16YOHC: Oh well, then you did not hear it from me.
A26YOHM: Whom did I hear it from then?
16YOHC: Someone TXTed you.
……………………………………………………………………
Moral of the story: I should upgrade my phone plan to include cheaper text messages.
On Saturday mornings, I sleep until the afternoon - yeah, it’s an oxymoron. I love getting up at 12.30, showering until 1, eating breakfast at 2. It’s such a guilty pleasure, to pretend that the day begins when I am ready for it. Saturday mornings also tend to be very philosophical.
I saw Capote last night. A movie can rarely move me so deeply. I have always loved Capote, to me he was one of the factors that sparkled my interest in the idea of America - the good and the bad - back in high school. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, amazingly poignant! And while I realize that the movie reflects mostly the director’s imagination, I still cannot help but empathize with Capote’s feelings. Love of the kind that kills you inside, so you kill it back - quite literally in Capote’s case. Not even only love for other human beings, but for places, moments, abstractions. Conflicting desires, of the kind that pull you in opposite directions until you tear apart. Rage. Love. Rage. It was great.
On a different note, my 80-year-old-sweet-lady neighbor listens to Kanye West. Loudly, since she is hard of hearing. “Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger…” This is still better than my 20-year-old-sorority-sister-bitch neighbor I had in college, whose boyfriend(s) thought the quality of sex was measured by how hard they bang the bed against the wall.
I want to spend the day talking about men with Sofie, drinking 7 cups of coffee in her kitchen. Instead, I will clean, grade, do laundry and stats. Did you see the title of this post?
These are my most favorite people in the world - my immediate family, or least most of it. I miss them so much. In case you were curious where my glasses and brains come from - mom and dad. The most awesome parents in the whole universe. And my bro (the one on the right) has the brains too, but instead of the glasses he inherited the athletic body. My cousin is only 16, but a cutie.
Although, due to my lack of the cuteness gene, I sometimes I wonder if I was adopted
Look no further. In case you thought that the last little piece of sin you indulged in went unnoticed, think again. He might be keeping a closer look on you than you previously thought.
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